I tried to die, to take my life, to destroy it, but I failed

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Sitting in the caf at school, on a day that I was never on campus, in an area I never sit, I was approached by two young and curious ladies.

photo credit: wollas cc

photo credit: wollas cc

Ever want to be invisible? Hide away so that no one can see you, the problems, the hurt and the pain that you carry? For 16 months I was devoted to avoiding everyone. The friends that I hung out with once a week, the ones that I hung out with all the time, the ones that I would get together sporadically with every other month or so. The only people I would willingly be with were my family. I was scared of the others, what they would think and say when they found out what I willingly did to myself.

When those women stopped at my table all I wanted to do was melt into my chair and vanish. Of course, once the one opened her mouth and asked a question, I didn’t just want to melt and become invisible; I wanted to RUN!

photo credit: arbyreed cc

photo credit: arbyreed cc

The start of the 16 months was a scary day for my family, and not so scary for me. Afterwards, I was ashamed and couldn’t look anyone in the eye or be by myself for weeks. I overdosed on 140 mg of citalopram, attempting to take my life on a bright sunshiny Tuesday in June. The pills were spread out in groups of 5, and I took them one-by-one at the kitchen table where I ate dinner with my family, played games with them and had a blast. That was where I decided to take my life, and where my sister found me.

They asked me a question. A question that made me know. Know that I was not alone and that God wanted to be part of my life once again. That He had never left me, that He still wanted me, that he wasn’t going to let me go.

photo credit: Leigh Rightoncc

photo credit: Leigh Righton cc

My sister took me to the hospital where I was admitted, and my folks met up with us. I was treated and released, and made an outpatient of another hospital. There I was given the skills and tools to learn how to cope with the depression, the anxiety and suicidal thoughts. It taught me how to survive. How to survive life a day at a time and moments at a time. How to deal with unexpected situations and the expected ones. What it did not teach me, was how to love who I was, accept that I tried to take my life and failed. How to live life to the fullest.

“How is your spiritual life?” she asked. My response other than running, was to laugh! My spiritual life? I gave that up long before I took those pills. No longer was I prepared or ready to listen to God or love Him.

What those two women told me though, shook my world so much. They shared with me– “God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.”1 You may have heard this before. I have, plenty of times before this moment. This was not the only verse they shared with me– “But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.”2 I don’t have to do this and that to earn God’s love. I am a sinner, and Jesus died for me! But not just for me, He died for us!

I tried to die, to take my life, to destroy it, but I failed. I hated myself for what I did; I hated myself for what I failed to do. Yet here in the Bible, it tells me that God loves me! I hated myself and yet God, GOD, loves me. I believed it right then and there. It was no coincidence that those two women approached me that day. It was no coincidence that their first words to me were asking about my spiritual life. Not a coincidence at all, but God’s plan.

“So what?” you may ask. Well let me tell you “what”. God loves the world. God loves us. God loves me.

Now, I want to share this with you. He loves you. He has a plan for you, just as he has a plan for me. He wants to rain blessings down on you. But most of all, He wants you to be with Him forever.

I also want you to know this: you are a sinner, I am a sinner, we are all sinners. But God loves us. You can pray to ask Jesus into your life. He will cleanse you of all sins that you have and will commit. He will change you, as he has changed me (in different ways). Best of all though, you will forever be in the arms of God, who loves you, and you will never ever be abandoned.

All that you need to do is ask Jesus to be the Lord and Saviour in your life. I know it sounds scary, giving up everything for Him. But, He loves you so much! In all honesty, He wants what is best for you! And His plan is the best plan that we could ever hope for. It is better than we could ever imagine or dream of!

There is only one way to have a life that is joined with God, where you are not separated from Him. In the Bible, “Jesus says that he is the only way to God our Father, and no none can come to God except through him.”3 Isn’t this amazing? That God would give us a way to become friends with Him through Jesus? Jesus is excited for us to invite him into our hearts! “Look!” he says. “I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in and we will share a meal together as friends.”4 This is awesome! That Jesus wants us to eat together, and not just as acquaintances, but as friends.

I want to let you in on a secret. Ever since I made this decision, God has been working in my life, and it has been AMAZING! I have a peace that I’ve never experienced before, and best of all, there is no desire to harm myself or take my life. As I write this, I am crying. I am crying because I feel His love for me everyday, and if you are reading this you may or may not feel it, but it is there, His love for you.

(1) John 3:16 – This is a saying from Jesus taken from The Gospel of John chapter 3 and line 16, an eyewitness of the life and sayings of Christ.  (2) Romans 5:8 – From a letter written by an early Christian thinker to his students and followers. (3)John 14:6 Another saying of Jesus also taking from John’s eyewitness account. (4) Revelation 3:20

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One thought on “I tried to die, to take my life, to destroy it, but I failed

  1. Erin FordErin Ford

    Love this. So cool how a relationship with Jesus was what your life was really needing. The hope, healing, and love that redeemed you 🙂

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